i am private

my struggle to fight poverty

can i die positive

constraints

i can undo nothing

i have no control

solution

i m dead

absent now and always

i m positive forever without fight

extra

joy

now and ever

without fear of future

[ my tribute to jiddu krishnamurthy I use his notation]

I m rule i have annihilate all without trace

do i understand

i m not slave

আমি জানিনা আমার জানার কোনো দরকার নেই 

long path unique to myself

it is a long path unique to myself

cannot be taught or preached or communicated

it is not going to work for any

defy generalization

not limited by time but end of search

recovery from reducible ego to irreducible one

braving all loss from death failure honor ability possession support

on its course

all my egos loose floating drifting vanishing appearing free aimless

without center

i enjoy my new found strength of irreducible super ego

self observation as is

events are free floating and without co-ordinates

the connection and links are my mental exercise devoid of truth entirely false

I have suffered from pain anxiety and madness due to such make beliefs

I project the same unto others imagine them similar

perhaps others recognize me as mad man

such observations can increase my pain fear and confusion

make me go under cover till my suffering subsides 

[i m seeing this as is without comment or further imagination]

i had known  V  Singh during his stay in ISI Kolkata

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vashishtha_Narayan_Singh

he was good looking handsome boy

he used to move around with Hindi speaking group of my age post graduate research students

I did not know about his mental problem except some junior students mentioned that he would become nervous while teaching

In a very closed room with several other research students he attended one lecture of mine on non-standard calculus

he left in the middle with a smile of apology

During this time he got married

But he got back next day after marriage

one friend of mine Unni told me his problem started from Love not Returned by Kelly's Daughter

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_L._Kelley

On my way to first job I stopped over at TIFR for a day with Somesh Bagchi

I was told he was there

he periodically is smooth shaven and bearded

Somesh further added that it was mistake for him to leave ISI where he was happy with his group

TIFR culture is difficult for him to adjust

in 1977 i visited ISI for 7 days on business

I was then suffering from Love not Reciprocated syndromes

I was sitting in guest house when one of my teacher entered the lounge

he referred V N Singh to some one

his reference touched me

i identified me with VNS

mgn once wasted hours with me to pursue mathematics

নয় নয় নয়

কান্না নয় হাসি নয় চলা নয় কাঁপা নয় ভবিষ্যত নয় অতীত নয় বর্তমান নয়

দরকার নয় কামনা নয়  নিষ্কৃতি নয় মুক্তি নয় উত্তর নয়

আমি নয়

নিষ্পন্দ নিষ্কম্প প্রাণহীন স্থির

নিশব্দ

ভালো নয় খারাপ নয়

ভুল নয় ঠিক নয়

বড় নয় ছোট নয়

সত্যি নয় মিথ্যা নয়

দেখা নয় অদেখা  নয়

সম্ভব নয় অসম্ভব নয়

সম্মান নয় অসম্মান নয়

দুঃখ্য নয় সুখ নয়

জীবন নয় মৃত্যু নয়

অদৃষ্ট নয় দৃষ্ট নয়

সপ্ন নয় নিদ্রা নয় জাগরণ নয় কল্পনা নয় মোক্ষ্য নয়

কিছু নয় কেও নয়

নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় 

i am self revealing

i have nothing worth anybody's while

to convey

to show

to say

this must be self revealing from my presence and can't be hidden

i can hide nothing
i can show nothing

I am floating

measuring my ego

i have ego

in fact lots of it

i don't have metric to measure

if there is one

it is sum total of all egos in living worlds

not counting my previous

assuming dead has none

giving up when they die

ego can only be positive

mine is ultimate but variable as the population grows or diminish

i can do nothing

Every night I get up many times whenever I feel uncomfortable

Last night was little more because of shouting too much

as if i was going to rectify some one 

it was my wild rage and utter helplessness

i can't go over board

suddenly i was quiet i saw within a circle that's boundary i can't cross

the world earth heaven hell all celestial is my reflection without a mirror

i can't change my feeling bad i can't influence nothing

i can't create or delete a dust or a microbe

no matter how much i try and how long i try

i can't change now

i can do nothing

however all changes by itself without my care
i can't ever prevent

i tried and failed

no force on earth can make me move or respond.
i tried my best and failed
i sense my pain no option
there is no reprieve

joy?

dangerous harmful suffering
disastrous painful future
my absence
time
I am being destroyed

all my perceptions unbearable as they are

I am them and they are 100% part of me
unavoidable

I bear me
now

without option
without future
without exception
without research
without memory
without understanding
without knowledge
without action
without movement
without words
without perception
without sense
without thought
without memory
without expectation
without promise
without communication
without time past present future
without examination
without doubt
without intellect
without sense
without boredom
without complaint
without shame
without fear
without grief
without anger
without exposure
without sleep
without dream
without imagination
without people
without world

in total silence

divine joy of living

I am joy
all without exception is joy
as it is
i enjoy now without expression

i must shut up now

I must shut up now
there is no option but to see truth as is
I can't live on hypothesis that my actions has any bearing or i can influence now
evidence is otherwise

for long time I wished to see almighty creator with my eyes

this I see now with all my senses and intellect
I see
there is never a need for me
not even to create a dust
or a thought

having written thus
I am filled with creativity
I discover the following

with this
creation is unlimited
new science
new technology
new literature
new world
new math
new numbers
new joys
that was not there
including what is there
I am unlimited

সব আমার আনন্দ

আমি আনন্দ
সব সর্বাংশ আমি
আমি সব
সব আমার আনন্দ
নিশব্দ 

I wish

I wish
void without expectation
world does not remember
and do not have to be

pain

since i can't look at all as is
i m forever inventing ways to accomplish the same
i suffer from pain in crotch
trying to relieve
i try many things but they dont work
my discomfort gives night mares
but they repetitive and simple
i m suffering from them for many decades now
i m in 2nd year of mstat
i have lost touch with curriculum teacher and class rooms
i am hunting for them but can't find
while final is near and i have no idea
how i really pass
during the nightmare when i m sweating and not able to breath out of shear tension of reality
it never occurs to me matter is over more than 4 decades ago
i have mstat degree with apms
and i have nothing to do with subjects not learnt
i have no sense of loss
during the dream akella a class mate of mine appears who however was absconding for a while but appeared all of a sudden to complete the course work
he knows where and what classes are and what is being but
he would not tell me

I try to comfort myself after the dream
it is all past and shall never be a context ever in future

pain in the crotch is a reality
i suffer every moment of my life
i have no cure any time in near future
unless it disappears all by itself
it only disappears when I am asleep

I can't sleep forever
running away from pain
it is extremely boring to sleep all the time

strongest theorems of my life

Here are some theorems of my life not all proved or witnessed by me. I cannot disprove or provide counter example to any.

• I am all without exception
• I do not know and I can't know more nor less
• I can take or give nothing
• There is no time or space except now
• I am confined to nothing in now and cannot escape
• Now is the light that exposes me and my world and that cannot be otherwise
• all my words echoed back to me 
• I can no way influence or change none nothing
• I am nothing dummy and absent
• I have no option but accept my inability in silence
• I can change nothing
• I am helpless hopeless mindless and I have no cure for my inability
• I am that one and ultimate absolute and I cannot be otherwise
• I have no option but observe all in silence
• i am out of the world and the light that lights the world

volcano

I am live volcano
sitting at the center of my past
my deeds no longer changeable
excites me
into fresh fury

my unaccomplished aim of silence

I am committed to absolute silence despite all excitement

where is one with whom i can discuss me?

I am reasonable
I am unreasonable
all is me without exception
I am truth
none or nothing can change
all remain bound to their activities
I am bound to my activities
one of my activity is criticizing
one of my activity is grieving
one of my activity is predicting
one of my activity is communicating
one of my activity is repeating
all activities performed by all are my activity without exception

where is one with whom i can discuss me?

tips

tips on communication

not very well learnt from my teachers

brother Kamal taught

written communication is entirely for others assimilation

one is not there to explain

address must be clear and without an extra dot

oral communication must be precise without emphasis

build on facts

straight forward

either way

flow of reason is clearly visible and simple

not requiring scholarship or intelligence

Kurt Vonnegut taught

literature is not bi-product of language but ideas

it can be written with precise choice of vocabulary alphabets and symbols

audience may as well be illiterate

without school education

Graham Green taught

dream is essential for ideas

expressions should be without adjective and adverb

Satyajit Ray taught

characters in a story should be built from precise selection of activities

a film is a narration

director is not there to explain further

Shankara taught

world is false
truth is world as it is

Veda Vyasa taught

all humans characters defined by their choice of activities

only one human is composition of all others

the silent one

without mass

without mass
without support
i m private
i enjoy

Investing

I do not invest
never did for 65 years
except when i thought
i am helping some relations who are agents

growing old
my slow approach to my disabilities to active paid work
i started out investing a year back into mutual funds
in last 7-8 months I lost about 7%
i invested
it is impact of Chinese Stock market excitement
I am committed for one year and more
there is no gravity or death in stock market
it is human greed and expectancy

I wonder though

how $300 billion total stock value at Shanghai

creating nervous break down elsewhere throughout the world

even if all stocks traded there become cipher

chinese economy and its $10 trillion cash is not effected

when the time comes
i shall move my investments to near home
away from stocks to securities

over the years i have faith that there is no expert in money market
quality production of essential commodities
demand and price is always in the rise
China has no global competitor

my son made me study investment on options
derivatives for immediate earnings
it is playing against gambling joint
it can close any time
lehman brothers

none can ever win in a gambling house
absorbing barrier
numero zero

permanent

my misunderstanding or misconception is permanent

I forever assume that there is some one or something that is not me and I see that with my sensory receptors

while i am permanently deluded 

I am my sense receptors and what i receive

there is absolute void beside me

I am absolute last 

I am absolute first

I am all in between - seen read or imagined

i have some similarity

I have some similarity with moon which has a public face and a private face that is ever seen from earth being totally synchronized with earth's motion and moon's rotation around earth

like a thread connecting centers of earth and moon and drawing a circle as it moves moons keeps the same face always towards earth; and doing this days after days.

no people in earth has a glimpse of private moon. moon is geostationary from every point on earth always keeping its private face from prying eyes

earthlings photographed the private moon last century ending its private appearance

it is a different face

চাঁদের বুড়ি একটা মুখোশ

i too have public and private existence

my private half is hundred percent invisible and in no way i may see it; my public appearance that includes my world space and time, is entirely supported by my private and created with its intrinsic building material

my private is for ever unknown

my public is 100% dummy ~ মুখোশ 

me

I am one hundred percent all without exception

I named my daughter me ~ শতভিষা ~ one hundred percent is truth ~ incidentally it is the name of one and only star ~ i do not know

all ~ my words my thoughts my dreams my fantasy my feelings my jealousy my loss my grief my fears my shame my pains my disabilities my discomfort my disease my perception my absence my presence my knowledge my lack of knowledge my pleasure my heaven my hell my world my relations my non-relation my asset my sleep and void কৃষ্ণ ~ is one hundred percent me

words can't make me not happen what I am

I am all even if I do not concurr

sexes

i am bored about seeing only two choices for sex - male or female - when they do not exist any more

independent observer from planet Tralfamador has already observed there are seven sexes among earthlings as of now

gay lesbian bisexual transgender pan-sexual inter-sex asexual 

i for one like to see all these choices in any form i fill up and select the one appropriate/inappropriate for the occasion my way of supporting equal rights to all earthlings

 

 

wilds

I am sleeping the whole day.
This time I got up sweating with a nightmare.
I got into a class i never attended in the curriculum. In fact I missed all my classes for the entire semester and did not know where they even take place.
following some classmate I entered the room without pen or paper and tried to find out the course work syllabus.
I have to read all these myself for clearing the degree requirement.

this is a nightmare i often have. i am desperate to be  at par with my class or batch mate.

unless atlas held the world in his shoulder it is unknown where it would have vanished.
fortunately for all the falling apples always land on earth.

for me always land on my mothers lap from my all flights of fantasy.

my mother is void

my mothers lap is now

all pixels in now belong together and are not separable or differentiable or understandable or relative

কৃষ্ণ দ্বীপ ধোওয়াশাতেধোয়াশার বাসা

I am absolute

I enjoy now in absolute silence - without words movement thoughts or feelings.

irrational

although I am all and all is in me I don't feel like one
although i know i am hopeless I create hope
although i know that none needs me i create their needs for me
although i am one and indivisible i create million words out of nothing
(me)
although I know i can't avoid any I try my best to avoid may if not all
although i know it is impossible to escape now and there is no other time or space co-ordinate I plan to escape now

I am diseased and writing/expressing is not its cure

options

call options:

prediction for next 30/60 days

say AAPL stock price is $100 today

In the option 

I can predict it shall be $75 or less in next 30/60 days A stipulated premium is calculated say $9/100 share. break even point is fixed say $115/share. I pay maximum of $90 loss. Gain is > $0 if share price > $115 ~ $chance value(high if low)*10

at the option

break even at $100+premium

strike deal any time it crosses $100 +premium for profit = $chance value (high if chance is low)*10

 

out the option

option say $150

break even $150+premium

premium * 10 < share price $150 = loss

$chance value (>$150) * 10 = profit

eclipse

sun is covered by moon
moon is covered by earth shadow
moon and earth d not have light of their own

say earth is me
say moon is my assumption
I am happy => world is happy
my happiness eclipse my world

এক মাত্র

জানি
সব আমি
আমার বাইরে
কেও নেই কিছু নেই
এমন কি
শুন্য বলে ও কিছু নেই
সব
সবাই জানে
কাওকে জানাবার উপায় নেই
যে আমি জানি
সবাই আমার ভিতরে
আর
আমি নেই
এই ধর্ম
আমার
একা এবং এক মাত্র