i am private

my struggle to fight poverty

can i die positive

constraints

i can undo nothing

i have no control

solution

i m dead

absent now and always

i m positive forever without fight

extra

joy

now and ever

without fear of future

[ my tribute to jiddu krishnamurthy I use his notation]

I m rule i have annihilate all without trace

do i understand

i m not slave

আমি জানিনা আমার জানার কোনো দরকার নেই 

long path unique to myself

it is a long path unique to myself

cannot be taught or preached or communicated

it is not going to work for any

defy generalization

not limited by time but end of search

recovery from reducible ego to irreducible one

braving all loss from death failure honor ability possession support

on its course

all my egos loose floating drifting vanishing appearing free aimless

without center

i enjoy my new found strength of irreducible super ego

self observation as is

events are free floating and without co-ordinates

the connection and links are my mental exercise devoid of truth entirely false

I have suffered from pain anxiety and madness due to such make beliefs

I project the same unto others imagine them similar

perhaps others recognize me as mad man

such observations can increase my pain fear and confusion

make me go under cover till my suffering subsides 

[i m seeing this as is without comment or further imagination]

i had known  V  Singh during his stay in ISI Kolkata

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vashishtha_Narayan_Singh

he was good looking handsome boy

he used to move around with Hindi speaking group of my age post graduate research students

I did not know about his mental problem except some junior students mentioned that he would become nervous while teaching

In a very closed room with several other research students he attended one lecture of mine on non-standard calculus

he left in the middle with a smile of apology

During this time he got married

But he got back next day after marriage

one friend of mine Unni told me his problem started from Love not Returned by Kelly's Daughter

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_L._Kelley

On my way to first job I stopped over at TIFR for a day with Somesh Bagchi

I was told he was there

he periodically is smooth shaven and bearded

Somesh further added that it was mistake for him to leave ISI where he was happy with his group

TIFR culture is difficult for him to adjust

in 1977 i visited ISI for 7 days on business

I was then suffering from Love not Reciprocated syndromes

I was sitting in guest house when one of my teacher entered the lounge

he referred V N Singh to some one

his reference touched me

i identified me with VNS

mgn once wasted hours with me to pursue mathematics

নয় নয় নয়

কান্না নয় হাসি নয় চলা নয় কাঁপা নয় ভবিষ্যত নয় অতীত নয় বর্তমান নয়

দরকার নয় কামনা নয়  নিষ্কৃতি নয় মুক্তি নয় উত্তর নয়

আমি নয়

নিষ্পন্দ নিষ্কম্প প্রাণহীন স্থির

নিশব্দ

ভালো নয় খারাপ নয়

ভুল নয় ঠিক নয়

বড় নয় ছোট নয়

সত্যি নয় মিথ্যা নয়

দেখা নয় অদেখা  নয়

সম্ভব নয় অসম্ভব নয়

সম্মান নয় অসম্মান নয়

দুঃখ্য নয় সুখ নয়

জীবন নয় মৃত্যু নয়

অদৃষ্ট নয় দৃষ্ট নয়

সপ্ন নয় নিদ্রা নয় জাগরণ নয় কল্পনা নয় মোক্ষ্য নয়

কিছু নয় কেও নয়

নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় নয় 

i am self revealing

i have nothing worth anybody's while

to convey

to show

to say

this must be self revealing from my presence and can't be hidden

i can hide nothing
i can show nothing